Strategies for Successful Stepparenting
Page Three
Stepparenting Strategies
Stepparenting stressors are going to be there, and the challenges are real. But most stepparents can develop a very good relationship with their stepchildren. It will take a lot of prayer and sensitive planning, but you can do it!
Develop a game plan. Stepfamily success starts with a game plan, or a business plan. I don't want to sound crass, but this is a partnership business even though it is a family business. The partners (parents) must approach the challenge with a serious business-like attitude just as if they were setting up a family-owned, moneymaking, partnership business venture. Having a clearly defined vision (mission statement), along with specific family/marriage goals, is crucial.
A solid foundation will survive the family storms along the way. In addition, establishing monthly business meetings with your partner and managing the family business with the same tenacity and mindset that you manage your job or career will breed success. Your family will be much more than a business because of the potentially intimate spiritual and emotional relationships, but attending to some basic business planning will go a long way to keep you on the right track. Consider, for example, developing a written mission statement.
Write a mission statement. Sit down with your spouse/business partner and design a family mission statement. Structure this initial session away from home if possible. No phones, no TV buttons, no interruptions.
Again, get in the mindset of serious business. Spend quality time together designing a rough draft. Reschedule another brief session several days later and finalize the family mission statement. Jazz it up on the computer, copy it and post copies on the bathroom mirror, the frig for the kids to see and other places throughout the house, along with several reduced sized copies for your billfold.
Make it a meaningful mission statement, not just one to hang in an ivory bathroom and never be heard from again. Use it! When in doubt, revert back to it.
Here's an example of a family mission statement. Note the implied partnership qualities this message portrays to the kids.
Jones Family Mission Statement: We agree to love, honor and support each other and our children every day by:
- Discussing our feelings openly and in an atmosphere and attitude of caring and concern.
- Taking a time-out before our feelings get the best of us, and we tear each other down.
- Keeping our hedges strong so that no one or no job comes between our relationship and commitment to each other and the family.
- Sticking to our agreements and supporting each other in the disciplining of our kids and the overall management of the household.
- Introducing some joyous event/anecdote into the daily lives of each other and our kids.
- Developing our spiritual lives individually, as a couple and as a family.
- Enjoying a physical activity (walking, biking, etc.) as a couple and as a family on a routine basis.
You're in business now. You've got a license (marriage), a partnership, (perhaps non-profit at this point!) but you're established and you have a mission statement.
Establish measurable goals. Once you have your mission statement, the next step is setting up specific, measurable goals. If possible, take a weekend in a cozy cottage to develop your list of goals. Come back with a plan in place, yet make time for fun as well. Make it a second honeymoon of sorts. It may be the last getaway the two of you get for awhile.
Here are the keys to developing a successful family business plan:
- Keep it simple. Your kids should understand it.
- Keep it positive. State the goals positively. i.e. What you're trying to accomplish, not what you're trying to avoid.
- Keep it realistic. Program your family for success. Don't set up unrealistic goals. Learn to view responsibility as two words-response ability.
Strategies That Work
Once you have your goals in place you may need a few key strategies for achieving them. Here are three potentially helpful steps to take:
Develop a Time-out Contract. Here's a great help for dealing with potential conflicts:
I, _________________, (each family member signs and takes an oath to uphold) am committed to our family living under the same roof in peace and harmony. I know we'll have family arguments and disagreements, however, I agree to not let my anger get the best of me and cause me to verbally or physically assault any member of my family. If, in the heat of battle, I start to "lose it", I will: (a) tell the family member I'm about to lose it and that I need to "chill out", then walk away; or, (b) if I'm unable to recognize that my anger is about to get the best of me, I agree to walk away and cool down if another family member requests me to do so. In either situation, I agree to get back with the person I was angry with and talk things out once I've cooled down.
The time-out contract is powerful if followed. In the beginning it is crucial that you, the parent, model the behavior for your kids. It is also important when discussing the contract with your family that the kids know they, too, have the authority to ask you, the parent, to "chill out". As with the mission statement, post the signed (by all!) contract throughout the home.
Use a Contingency Contract. Prepare a written, signed contract with expectations on both sides, stating if your teenager and/or third-grader agrees to do "X", then both parents agree to do "Y". This is very simple, yet highly effective, especially if the stepparent is the one delivering the positive payoffs in the beginning.
Key elements to contracting with your kids include: (a) making sure you can deliver the goods (pay-off); (b) being very specific in the wording of the contract and what the expectations are; and, (c) getting feedback from the kids on pay-offs before drafting the contract. The idea is to eventually have your kids writing contracts. However, this won't happen unless you program the initial contracts for success. Make them work, yet, rest assured your kids will eventually sabotage the process to see if you will follow through with the consequences and not simply give in. Stick to your guns when this occurs, otherwise the contracts will mean nothing, and more importantly, your word will mean nothing.
 Continued on Page Four
|
