Strategies for Successful Stepparenting
Page Two
"I'm fighting a losing battle," cried one defeated stepparent. "I can't live in chaos, yet my new family knows nothing but when it comes to schedules and keeping up with personal items. It's driving me crazy, the fact that our home is always in disarray."
Money Matters. It's tough enough keeping a handle on finances in a biological household. Throw in stepkids, possible child-support issues, asset titles, earning, spending and saving values, and top it off with insurance coverage, prenuptial agreements and inheritances, and watch the sparks fly when the grocery bill doubles and the stepkids scream for more allowance money since their dad gives them more!
Sexual Stressors. The incest taboo in stepfamilies is weaker, given that the stepparent and child (and stepsiblings) may not have grown up together. In addition, stepfathers must be cautious around teenage stepdaughters so as not to send them mixed messages in regards to affection. On the other hand, stepkids can feel confused and uneasy seeing mom or dad physically affectionate with their stepparent.
Unlike other stressors, however, which have a cumulative effect over time, one false accusation of sexual misconduct can instantly ruin a stepfamily. Unfortunately, we live in a time when kids have learned how to manipulate the legal/social services systems to get what they want. There's no quicker way to get rid of a stepparent than to accuse him of sexual misconduct.
We also live in a time when the number of kids who have been sexually abused by parents and stepparents is astounding. For stepparents entering a family already tarnished by such an event, the sexual stressors can be heightened to an alarming degree.
What happened to our marriage? "The marital bond is critical to stepfamily success, but often becomes lost in the stepfamily forest," states Ron Deal, a Family Life minister and licensed marriage and family therapist, who specializes in stepfamily issues. "A parent's relationship with his children will be an intimacy barrier to the new marriage. Biological parents can't just switch their loyalties; it feels like they're betraying their children. The couple needs to learn to nurture their relationship and not get lost in the stepfamily shuffle."
Where do we go for help? Even though stepfamilies are fast approaching the majority status in our society, resources specializing in stepfamily issues are limited, especially Christian counseling options and church supported programs.
 Parenting our own children is tough
enough. Throw in a stepchild or two and
the challenge can become overwhelming
for even the best of parents.
States Ron Deal, "Stepfamily ministry is about preventing the pressures and peculiarities of the stepfamily home from holding people back from their Lord. Satan's best line of attack is against the home. He would love for stepfamily adults and children to be distracted, discouraged and defeated. Preventing a stepfamily from integrating will certainly accomplish just that. Yet, we have a message that can crush Satan's attack on the stepfamily home: God forgives the imperfect people in stepfamilies just as He does the imperfect people in traditional families. It is time for the church to articulate that message of redemption."
Stepparenting Challenges
Parenting our own children is tough enough. Throw in a stepchild or two and the challenge can become overwhelming for even the best of parents.
"I love my wife to death and she loves me," states one desperate father, "but she's at the end of her rope when it comes to dealing with my two boys. She's even mentioned leaving me at this point."
Similar stories abound as healthy, well-meaning stepparents grasp for answers. Many feel guilty for their inability to display unconditional love towards their stepkids.
Finding a way to ease the strife is no doubt a difficult challenge. Yet, with realistic expectations and specific strategies, the blended family battles and blues can be reduced to a manageable level and satisfying relationships evolve over time. Here are six of the major challenges you will face:
Time and Patience. It takes a great deal of both to break down the barriers and establish a loving, caring relationship with stepkids. The younger the stepchild, the easier it is to bond. Yet, many stepparents don't realize that even with pre-school age kids, that bond may take as long as one to two years.
As stepkids get older, the bond takes longer to develop. "Some research suggests that older children—teenagers in particular—may take as many years as they are old," states Ron Deal. "In other words, a ten-year-old may need 10 years before he/she feels truly connected to the stepparent."
Relationship Building. As difficult as it sounds, the stepparent must allow the stepchild to set the pace when it comes to establishing trust and a bond. Stepparents can provide opportunities and situations where a positive exchange and trust can emerge, however, they must be careful not to force the relationship. If your stepchildren remain aloof, respect their boundaries and remain positive in the face of rejection. Your patient presence will pay off in the future.
Teamwork. It goes without saying that the biological parent and the stepparent must work together to successfully manage the household. In the early stages, the biological parent must shoulder much of the disciplinary responsibilities while the stepparent is establishing a positive relationship with the child. However, the couple must present themselves as a united front in order to manage the inevitable onslaught of manipulative, splitting games (pitting one adult against the other, etc..) that most kids attempt to get what they want.
All kids know how to manipulate their parents to get what they want. In stepfamilies, however, there is a fine line for the stepparent when it comes to establishing a positive relationship with the kids and yet maintaining some semblance of adult authority. When the dreaded day comes that the stepparent is expected to discipline the kids, teamwork and spousal support from the biological parent will go a long way towards transitioning the stepparent from a friendly, supportive teacher, aunt/uncle like figure to a bona fide parental figure that the kids respect.
Modeling Behavior. In all families, kids learn more from parents by what they see than by what they hear. In stepfamilies, what the stepkids see has an even greater impact on how quickly a trusting, meaningful relationship can be established between stepparent and stepkids.
Generally speaking, the younger the child, the more apt they are to imitate the parent's behavior. Much of their learning in the early years is based on what behavior is modeled for them.
No matter what may be coming
out of our mouths, if our body
language portrays hostility, anger,
or frustration, that is what the kids will
take away from the encounter.
What stepparents sometimes fail to recognize is the impact their non-verbal cues have on stepkids, especially teens. No matter what may be coming out of our mouths, if our body language portrays hostility, anger, or frustration, that is what the kids will take away from the encounter.
The other aspect of modeling behavior that is often overlooked in stepfamilies is how much the kids will observe the interaction between biological mom/dad and stepparent. How we as adults respond to anger, frustration, and the everyday stressors of family living and marriage will have as much to do with developing a positive, trusting relationship with them as the direct contact situations. Kids imitate their parents. Stepkids take modeling one step further—they will watch their stepparent from a distance and base much of their opinion on what they see.
Old Baggage. One of the toughest tasks facing couples is dealing wth the past. From the way we were raised to the way our ex-spouse responded to stress, we are all products of where we came from.
From the simple matters of how to decorate the living room to the challenging role of managing a home, stepfamilies are hard pressed to discard their old baggage and let go of their petty hang-ups from the past. If not, and as the statistics so hauntingly remind us (every seventh marriage is the third time around), we are doomed to repeat the past.
Leftovers. Our plates are already full, given our jobs, new stepfamily roles and responsibilities, kids from our first marriage . Our "to do" lists seem insurmountable.
When all is said and done, who gets the leftovers? Our spouses, and the leftovers need to be warm, not cold!
 Continued on Page Three
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