Understanding and Resolving Sexual Compulsions
Page Four
Christians familiar with the Bible know that deep personal struggles are not unusual. None of us are perfect and we all struggle with our sinful tendencies. For some of us this struggle is incredibly intense. The Apostle Paul lamented, “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (Romans 7:15 ). “When I want to do what is good, evil lies close at hand” (v. 21). “Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?” (v. 24).
This is exactly what addicts feel; they are torn between their desires for temporary relief and pleasure and their desires to live a healthy, happy life. This is the conflict that enslaves them, leaving them feeling ashamed, guilty, and despairing.
If you find yourself entrapped in a sexual compulsion, stop and ask yourself, Where will this eventually take me and those I care about? Do I want to lose my family and go through life with an inner unfilled ache? Or do I really want to solve this problem and develop a healthy, fulfilling life? If you really want to change, you can. It won’t be easy but many have already been greatly rewarded for accepting the challenge. Here are the steps you need to take.
1. Recognize that you are not alone. There is a growing number of people who understand sexual compulsions and know how to help you and your family.
2. Reach out for help, and do it today. Look up the web sites listed in this booklet, and take active steps to get the help you need. The most successful recovery program will include most, if not all, of the sources of help that follow.
3. Find and join a sexual addiction 12-step group or similar accountability group. You need to share with others who have overcome similar addictions and who understand the addiction process and how it can be broken. Look at the following sites for information (often these sites have links to others):
4. Know that you can’t do it alone. You will need God’s help to deal with the daily pull of your addiction. Daily prayer and quietness before God will help, but you will also need people to assist you. Establish accountability relationships with people who will help you stay true to your commitment to enter treatment and remain in recovery. You especially need relationships with people who know and understand how to stay with your commitment to the values of sexual sobriety. Learn to check out your thinking processes with people who have been successful in their own recovery process. Turning around your dependence upon the addictive crutch and taking hold of God’s resources will take a lot of assistance from wise and experienced people.
 Sexually compulsive acts are
designed to anesthetize your
inner ache, loneliness,
depression, sadness or fears
over being alone.
5. Read the stories and recommendations of people who have recovered. An excellent example is: Faithful and True: Sexual Integrity in a Fallen World, by Mark Laaser (Zondervan, 1992).
6. Seek professional help. Overcoming addictions is different from overcoming problems like anxiety and depression which can often be resolved solely through counseling and/or medication. Sexual addictions are best resolved by a combination of supportive and accountability relationships (like 12-step groups) and psychotherapy that can get to the emotional, relational, and spiritual problems that are at the root of your addiction. So don’t try either a 12-step group or psychotherapy. Do them both!
When you seek a counselor or psychotherapist, look for one who (1) is fully trained and licensed, (2) has significant experiences treating others with sexual addictions, and (3) shares your Christian commitment. Once you find a therapist you should expect him or her to work with you on:
- A thoroughgoing family history, including the possibility of abuse or neglect of any kind (sexual, physical, emotional, spiritual). You will need to look at the possibility of toxic or destructive shame in you and/or your family of origin, ways your family looked at emotional and physical intimacy, how your family dealt with stress, and the presence of addictions of any kind in your family.
- A complete personal sexual history, including your first memories of sexual thoughts and experience and your subsequent practices and interactions. You should expect to discuss your thoughts, values, feelings, and convictions about your sexuality and your sexual orientation.
- An evaluation of the severity of your addiction and its interrelationship with other problems like depression, remorse, suicidal thoughts, irritability, violent behavior, mood swings, financial problems, job losses, family, and other important relationships including your relationship with God. You should also expect your therapist to assess for the presence of other addictions like alcohol, tobacco, gambling, caffeine, cybersex, chat-room addiction, or harmful co-dependencies.
- Working through the underlying emotional and relational issues. Remember, while sexual addictions are a severe problem and cause many other problems, they are actually a symptom of deeper emotional and spiritual conflicts and difficulties.
Sexually compulsive acts are designed to anesthetize your inner ache, loneliness, depression, sadness or fears over being alone. They are like a pain-relieving medicine that temporarily reduces your pain, but whose side effects will destroy you. Good therapy will help you come to grips with the emotional problems or needs at the root of your addiction so that you can give up your pain relievers. Without this deep emotional work, you will find it difficult to stop your compulsive behaviors, and if you do manage, you will be more likely to relapse and you will still be left with the same problems that started your addiction.
 Continued on Page Five
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