Understanding Narcissism
Page Five
Understanding these dynamics helps answer two questions many people have about narcissistic individuals. “Aren’t they just proud and selfish?” and “Aren’t they just being sinful?” The answer to both questions is “yes” and “no.” Narcissists are proud and they are sinful—as we all are. But they aren’t just proud and just sinful.
Simple pride and selfishness is something most of us struggle with. We can all seek our own advantage or well-being without regard for others. Although this isn’t emotionally or spiritually healthy, if we honestly face ourselves and seek forgiveness and grow through our relationships with Christ and others, we can move beyond our pride and selfishness.
Pathological narcissism is different. It is a personality style that is deeply rooted in the structure of the entire personality from the first few years of life. It cannot be overcome by simply confessing one’s sins and committing to change. Growing out of narcissism is a long, slow, difficult process that may take years.
Living or Working With a Narcissist
If you live or work with a narcissist, you know these relationships present a distinct set of challenges. Although people outside the immediate family or workplace may think the narcissist is charming, larger-than-life, or exciting you know better. The narcissist’s, extreme self-focus, violation of your boundaries, and his controlling style can cause incredible frustration and despair.
Some decide the best way to deal with the narcissist is to pacify him by sacrificing a part of their “self” so that the narcissist can live out his or her fantasy life of superiority without conflicts. This is especially true for spouses of narcissists. It takes so much energy to avoid relational conflicts that the family member simply gives up trying to have a life or opinions of his or her own. Unfortunately, spouses who attempt to make peace this way can’t be honest about their own thoughts, feelings, and desires because that would upset their mate. A good indication that this is happening is to ask the spouse or family member whether they feel greatly relieved or become a different person when the narcissist is not around!
 Pathological narcissism is
different. It is a personality style
that is deeply rooted in the
structure of the entire personality
from the first few years of life.
There are better ways of coping than giving up oneself. Here are some guidelines for surviving and thriving:
- Remember, it is inevitable that you will periodically trigger the narcissist’s feelings of shame, inadequacy, and anger. Realize that it usually is less about you and your behavior or words and more about the narcissist. Even though narcissists like to be above their failures, they are sinful and imperfect like the rest of us (Romans 3:23 , Jeremiah 17:9). If anything, they are even more prone to be unaware of their own imperfections. Even a true statement kindly spoken can wound the narcissist’s fragile self-esteem.
- Try not to assimilate the guilt or blame that the narcissist attempts to place on you. Remember, his need to blame you comes from his own deep feelings of inadequacy and his or her inability to observe and respect your needs. You simply got caught in the crossfire. According to the Bible, although we all have responsibility to others, we must each ultimately take responsibility for our own burdens (Galatians 6:4).
- If you start feeling diminished, or angry, realize that the narcissist’s behavior is probably triggering those emotions. Narcissists like to use others as a kind of emotional wastebasket where they can dump their upsetting feelings. If you believe them, you will end up feeling as bad as they do. This doesn’t mean you can ignore your contribution to the problem. If you are angry or critical, or overly sensitive; you need to work on your issues, too. But don’t take responsibility for the narcissist’s deep, long-standing problems. They were there before he met you!
- Put some emotional distance between yourself and the narcissist while you sort all this out. Take time to reflect on what is going on between you and your spouse or co-worker. Fighting back doesn’t help and neither does accepting blame that isn’t yours. Fighting just escalates the narcissist’s anger. And accepting their accusations reinforces their unhealthy style and leaves you feeling depressed, angry, or “crazy.”
- The alternative is to center yourself so that you calmly see what the narcissist is attempting to do without falling into the trap of believing him. Remember in many ways the narcissist is acting and feeling like a two or three-year-old on the inside. But don’t tell him that! Use your understanding to be patient and sensitive while still keeping yourself centered. Don’t use it as a weapon to fight back.
- If you are working under a narcissistic supervisor and want to keep your job, don’t challenge him directly. Support and show your appreciation as much as possible. If you decide confrontation is necessary, either approach him as a group or express your concerns (again as a group) to his superior. Since he will probably become threatened and angry, be prepared. If he could take criticism humbly he wouldn’t be a narcissist!
- Recognize that if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you will not be able to change him or her—and that he or she will not change because of feelings for you. The narcissist is so lacking in deep empathy that he or she is generally unable to change unhealthy behavior, even when it’s hurting others. Professional help from an experienced therapist is nearly always necessary if a narcissist is to make substantial changes.
 Continued on Page Six
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