Understanding Narcissism
Page Four
Consider three-year-old Caleb, for example. While shopping with his mother Becky, Caleb sees a candy he desires. Totally unaware of “adult” issues like finances, ownership or health, Caleb only knows that he wants the candy and he believes that he should have it. If Becky says no, Caleb may initially feel anger or even have a tantrum. But in time he will get over it and learn that he cannot always have his way. He will also learn to calm himself down and feel OK when things don’t go the way he wants. But if Becky consistently gives in, Caleb will come to believe that he is entitled to anything he wishes.
To become emotionally mature, children need parents who enjoy them and are emotionally aware and caring but who also know how to say no. We all must learn to manage our feelings of resentment or disappointment when caregivers do not give in to our demands. We must all learn that we can’t always have our own way and that we need to regard others. Psychologists call this the ability to “self-soothe.” Children who become narcissistic adults never learn to do this. They can’t accept their limitations or the fact that their wishes will not always be met.
Children who grow up in wealthy or influential homes but whose parents are not sufficiently emotionally nourishing can sometimes also develop the strong sense of entitlement and a lack of sensitivity to others that characterizes narcissistic personalities.
Marriage and family therapists have begun to realize that an entire family system can be narcissistic not simply one individual within the family.
For some reason (job stress, alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness, lack of spiritual maturity, physical disability, lack of parenting skills, self-centered immaturity, etc.), the narcissistic family revolves around getting the parents’ desires and needs met rather than also meeting the needs of the children. Trying to earn their parents approval or to keep their parents happy, children in these families lose touch with their own needs. They are too busy adjusting to, or taking emotional care of their parents’ lacks. The biblical pattern of parents meeting their children’s needs is reversed. The children are psychologically taking care of the parents. This leaves the child craving to be cared for. But since they aren’t, they start seeking constant admiration or success to fill their emotional void.
 Regardless of the specific
childhood experiences that give rise
to narcissism, the end result is a set of
unspoken or unconscious beliefs....
Here are some of the more common characteristics of these narcissistic families:
- Indirect communication between parents and children. (Instead of “Steve, would you please take out the garbage?” It is “It would be nice if someone would take out the garbage.”)
- Family relational patterns that resemble triangles. (One or both of the parents speak through the children to use them as a defense to closeness.)
- Unclear physical and emotional boundaries between the parents and the children. For example, “What is mine is mine and what is yours is mine, too.”
- Children are not entitled to have, express, or experience feelings that are unacceptable to the parents. (For example, “We don’t hate our brother. We love our brother.”)
- Mind reading. (One or both of the parents assume that everyone else in the family “should” know what he or she is thinking or feeling, without having to clearly communicate their thoughts or feelings.)
Notice that there need not be abuse or neglect for a family system to be narcissistic. Indeed, some narcissistic families look fine from the outside and, in some ways, from the inside, too. Nobody takes drugs or is an alcoholic, and nobody has a serious mental illness. Yet, with further probing, it becomes clear that the needs of the parent (or parents) were the focus of the family and the children were in some way expected to serve those needs.
Other potentially narcissistic adults have suffered parental neglect or indifference. Then they developed a compensatory false self that desires “greatness” and constant affirmations as a way of shoring up their sagging sense of self-worth. This may also be an attempt to ward off the shame or fears of abandonment that come from a lack of parental presence, attunement, sensitivity and love.
Regardless of the specific childhood experiences that give rise to narcissism, the end result is a set of unspoken or unconscious beliefs like:
- “I am special and I deserve special treatment, privileges, and status.”
- “I am superior to others and they should acknowledge this fact.”
- “The rules apply to everyone except me. I am above the rules.”
- “The only people who can truly understand me are those who share a similar status or privilege.”
- “When I am criticized or don’t get my way, I feel ashamed and defective and can never measure up.
 Continued on Page Five
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