Overcoming Codependency
Page Five
Learn healthy self-care
It is not enough to give up your excessive efforts to please others. You must also become more aware of your own feelings, thoughts, and needs, and learn how to communicate them in relationships. Remember, you aren't being selfish here, you are learning to be honest about your own needs so that you can have mature, mutual relationships. You will also want others to communicate their thoughts and feelings and needs to you.
Know God's plan
Christians who are codependents are often afraid to learn healthy self-care because they believe that would be selfish or unspiritual. Remember Martha whom I mentioned earlier? In addition to having an alcoholic husband, Martha has two elementary-age children and rushes around from dawn to bedtime taking care of everyone's needs but her own. Worrying about her husband, making meals, chauffeuring the kids to soccer practice, preparing to teach Sunday school, trying to be a godly wife and mother. the list goes on and on. Inwardly, however, she feels empty, burned out, and increasingly resentful over the never-ending list of demands. Yet she feels helpless to do anything about it because she is only doing what she thinks a "good Christian" should do.
In this frazzled state, imagine how Martha responds to a Bible passage like Philippians 2:3-5,7: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: who...made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant."
Martha hears this message and concludes that in order to have a Christlike attitude she must keep putting everyone else's needs ahead of her own. Sometimes, of course, we do need to put others' needs ahead of ours. But recommending this to people who constantly struggle with codependency ignores two more important points. First, codependents like Martha feel like they have no choice. They must either do the giving, right "Christian" thing or be flooded with guilt or shame. They can't do things out of a full cup or good motive because inwardly they feel empty. They lack a healthy sense of self and the good boundaries that allow spiritually and emotionally mature people to periodically set their needs aside for the welfare of others. Before codependents like Martha can serve others in a Christlike way, they must first find a balance between their needs and the needs of others. And remember, this passage doesn't say not to look out for our own interests. It reminds us to "look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
If you look at the two verses just before where Paul encourages us to be unselfish and humble, you will find another interesting fact. The call to Christlike servanthood was given to those who have already had a grace-filled, restorative experience of Christ: "If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion , then make my joy complete by being like-minded , having the same love..."(Philippians 2:1-2, italics added). So it seems that, while God invites us to participate in the same loving spirit of servanthood as Christ, we cannot genuinely do that until we first personally know the encouragement, comfort, fellowship, tenderness, and compassion of God towards ourself.
 Jesus ... clearly and directly
expressed His thoughts and feelings
He also wasn't afraid to say no!
A crucial step toward recovery for co-dependents is to allow God to build up themselves by opening up to His healing grace and love for their imperfect selves completely apart from what they do. Realizing that the God they thought just wanted to use them to serve Him or was somehow against their being honest, open people, is actually their ultimate supporter can be a life-changing experience. Codependents need to be less like the biblical Martha—frantically rushing around serving Jesus—and more like Mary who was content to sit at Jesus' feet soaking in His grace and wisdom (Luke 10:38-42). They need to realize that God wants them to be able to make their own choices in setting boundaries for themselves. They need to know that God wants to meet their deepest needs. We are told, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4). Codependents need to realize that God is their Ultimate Ally in becoming healthy, happy people. And it is important to realize that during this season in their development, the more spiritual path may not be compulsive self-sacrifice, but rather, allowing God to teach them how to say no to demands or requests without feeling badly about themselves.
Have you ever tried to start a campfire on a windy day? Think of how vulnerable that first little spark is to every little gust of wind. In a similar way, our tiny sparks of healthy self-assertions can be vulnerable to the "winds" of unrealistic expectations and shame. God wants to put His hands around our tiny "sparks" of healthy assertiveness and growing sense of self. One way His hands shelter our sparks is to remind us that He wants us to establish secure boundaries and positive feelings about ourselves.
It also helps to take a look at Jesus' style of living. Jesus didn't run around trying to please or control everyone, and He didn't have a fragile identity or sense of self. Quite the contrary, Christ perfectly modeled a balance between time for Himself and time for ministry. He spent 30 years before He began His ministry. He had close friends. He crossed the lake to be alone and relax with His disciples. He knew His mission and what He thought and felt, and He clearly and directly expressed His thoughts and feelings. He also wasn't afraid to say no!
Grow in relationships and genuine love
Having a healthy sense of one's self is not being selfish. It goes hand in hand with being able to enter into loving relationships. A solid personal identity and awareness of our needs leads to mutual respect and love. Every codependent needs relationships where they can work on relating in new and healthier ways. Seek relationships with mature people with healthy boundaries. Then work on developing a mature, mutual relationship instead of a dependent one. Make sure that you and your friends communicate honestly.
Share your thoughts, wishes, and feelings mutually. And learn to make mutual decisions and to give and take and compromise equally. This may initially be difficult since you may have developed a "sixth sense" for finding people with poor boundaries who need rescuing. But only this kind of mutuality growing out of a healthy sense of your own selfhood or identity allows for intimacy and mature closeness to develop. In a mature relationship neither party is demanding or controlling and each opens up his inner self to being loved and being truly loving.
 Continued on Page Six
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