Overcoming Codependency
Page Four
Another way of understanding the causes of codependency is from the point of view of the child's progress in growing from the absolute dependency of infancy to a healthy, mature adult interdependency. Anything that interferes with this process predisposes a growing child to become codependent. For example, if a baby's emotional needs are not nourished sufficiently, the baby may become overly dependent and go through life trying to please others in order to gain the love that wasn't received as a child. If a parent is overprotective, a child may never learn to stand on his or her own feet emotionally and intellectually.
If parents are perfectionistic, the growing child learns to try to please others instead of recognizing her or his own needs and feelings. And if the parents rely excessively on guilt and shame motivation, the child learns to feel selfish for trying to have personal needs met. Any of these patterns can leave a growing child with a lack of confidence or a healthy sense of personal identity , worth, and self-esteem. They all make it difficult for them to stand on their own two feet. They predispose the child to become codependent.
Individuals who establish a healthy sense of self during their developmental years know who they are as individuals. They have a good measure of autonomy, and they are able to function without fearing they will lose themselves or be overwhelmed. They are able to engage in appropriate self-care while also caring for others. In the face of criticism or failure, they are still able to maintain a basic core of self-worth. They maintain a balance among the stresses and strains of life.
Codependent people have not been able to develop this psychological autonomy and are significantly impaired in their ability to function as healthy, reasonably autonomous individuals. This creates problems in many areas of their lives.
If you are codependent and struggle with your basic sense of self-worth, it can be easy to believe that you are inherently defective. Taking time to look beyond the lie that you are just plain defective to really understand how you personally learned your codependent patterns is a significant step in learning to respect yourself more. Every person has a story that is worth listening to and understanding, including you. As you begin to understand how you have been impacted by your experiences and recognize that your codependent patterns are understandable ways of trying to cope with difficult situations and not signs of inherent defectiveness, you will experience less self-blame and more compassion for yourself. You also will experience restored hope that you really can learn healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.
Recovery Process
It takes time to overcome lifelong patterns of codependency, and the process often involves "two steps forward, and one step back." But there are several specific steps you can take to break out of an ingrained codependent style.
Break through your denial
The first step is to face the problem honestly. Chances are, you have rationalized and justified and even spiritualized your codependent style. Now is the time to face it head-on. For someone who has spent a lifetime using denial to ward off pain, shame, or fear of rejection, this can be a terrifying experience. You will need support from people who can provide safe relationships that allow you to be emotionally honest on your journey. These supportive relationships might come from friendships, support groups, or professional counseling.
 Detachment refers to separating
ourselves from whatever we
are obsessed with so we can
begin working on our self.
Support groups with other people on a similar road of recovery often provide more support for recovering from codependency than family and friends because members of these groups know what it is like to struggle with these issues. Your relationship with God can be a tremendous asset in your recovery. But it is important to be completely honest with God as well. Only then will you see that God accepts you precisely as you are, and that He expects you to have your own thoughts, feelings, and desires, rather than to shape your life to those around you. This will give you increased courage to be more aware of your own needs and feelings and help you make more authentic connections with God and others.
Face your childhood issues
One way to begin breaking through denial is to seriously consider the experiences that have contributed to your codependency. Most often this involves exploring significant aspects of your family history. Because codependents have learned to cope by disconnecting from their inner emotions, this exploration cannot be simply an intellectual exercise. It must involve a process of coming to terms with your actual feelings as a child. It also means being completely honest about your family of origin.
I realize you may have protected your family for decades, and you may feel incredibly guilty if you admit that you were wounded in your developmental years. But you cannot change unless you are completely honest about the negative as well as the positive aspects of your childhood experience in your family. This type of work is not easy and usually takes time. It often is done best in a safe therapy relationship.
Detach from unhealthy involvements
Detachment refers to separating ourselves from whatever we are obsessed with so we can begin working on our self. Since codependents are typically overly involved or attached to some problem or person outside of themselves, growth must involve giving up that over-involvement or preoccupation with trying to change, control, or please someone else.
This requires letting go of the energy you are expending on worry over the other person. This is not hostile withdrawal, indifference, or avoiding your responsibilities to others. Instead, it is giving up your efforts to take other peoples' responsibilities so that they can learn to take responsibility for themselves just as you are learning to take responsibility for yourself. We cannot fix problems that are not ours to fix, and all of our worrying, obsessing, and trying to help only perpetuate the problem. After all, as long as we are trying to fix someone, they don't need to fix themselves, and we don't have to fix our self!
This may mean staying out of the way as an alcoholic spouse or friend loses his job. It may mean getting a separate bank account and letting your mate suffer the consequences of his or her financial irresponsibility. It may mean giving up your role as a people pleaser. And it may mean saying no when you are asked to take on one more responsibility at your church or your children's school. These can be frightening steps, but you will never break the cycle of codependency unless you take them. You must disengage from your old codependent patterns.
 Continued on Page Five
|
