Avoidant Personality Styles
Page Five
Several forms of individual therapy have proven effective in treating the avoidant personality. The most successful approaches tend to utilize all or a combination of the following:
- A genuinely supportive and sensitive relationship
- Empathy for the withdrawn person's emotional pain and relational frustrations
- Trust building
- Expression of feelings
- Exploring the childhood relationships, dynamics, and feelings that led to the avoidant style
- Increased understanding of oneself, others, and relationships
- Learning to challenge automatic negative thoughts and false ways of viewing life
- Replacing habitually negative thoughts with more realistic assessments of oneself and others
- Behavioral interventions to practice new ways of relating and managing self-critical thoughts
- Development of a strong identity as a completely forgiven, accepted child of God through Jesus Christ as Savior.
The goals for therapy include increasing self-esteem and confidence in relationships, and working toward a decreased sensitivity to the perceived criticism of others. For example, if our partygoer Dave were to enter therapy, his counselor might first spend time supporting him in his struggles, empathizing with how hard it must be, and earning Dave's trust. The therapist would be able to hear both Dave's desires to have meaningful relationships and his intense fears of being criticized, rejected, or humiliated. The therapist would be able to communicate that he or she can truly understand the pain of Dave's dilemma. If Dave stays to himself, he is isolated and alone. But if he tries to get involved with people, he is sure he will make a fool of himself or be rejected, ignored, or humiliated. Either way he loses. This is the dilemma of the avoidant person and he can only be helped by a therapist who understands this dilemma at a deep emotional level.
As Dave begins to feel understood and safe, he can begin to explore the underlying causes of his intense social fears and to investigate how and why he has equated mild disapproval with rejection, and rejection with devastation. He needs to recall and reexperience the painful patterns that led to his withdrawal. As a child Dave may have had no option except to withdraw or learn to fight. But as an adult he can find much better ways of managing and resolving his fears and pain.
With a foundation of safety and acceptance, the therapist can gradually begin to sensitively challenge Dave's distorted thoughts, such as the idea that all eyes are on him when he goes to a party. Dave can learn why he tends to read in criticism when it isn't there and learn to challenge his exaggerated perceptions of others' disapproval. If Dave joins a counseling group with others who have similar avoidant struggles, he may see and hear in others what he may not be able to see and hear in himself. Dave might also join a family group or have some counseling with his spouse if he is married. This would provide him with relational experiences and insights with those closest to him.
 The goals for therapy include
increasing self-esteem and confidence
in relationships, and working toward
a decreased sensitivity to the
perceived criticism of others.
In terms of the length of treatment, the current trend of brief therapy may be somewhat helpful in alleviating some avoidant personality issues, especially if family and friends are willing to participate and support Dave in his therapy. But due to the deeply embedded nature of personality characteristics and the avoidant person's hesitancy to trust and disclose, longer-term therapy is much more likely to be helpful.
Both while in counseling and out, Dave's relationship with God can be an incredible resource. The Bible tells us, "Though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will take me up" (Psalm 27:10). In other words, even though those who should be nearest to us may let us down, God will never fail us. And the Apostle Paul reminds us that we are "accepted in the Beloved" (Ephesians 1:5, 6 KJV). A major portion of our identity should come because we know we are God's loved, forgiven children. No matter how harmful our earthly parents or friends may have been, or how critical or condemning or rejecting, God is our perfect, loving, forgiving, encouraging heavenly Father.
When discussing God with an avoidant person, however, one must be sensitive to the possibility that she is presently angry with God or that the abuse she experienced came from parents or others who were supposedly representing God. When that has happened, it can require time to experience how different God is from parents or others who gave a distorted picture of His character and His feelings for us.
Conclusion
The problems or the sickness of the heart experienced by someone with an avoidant personality are very painful, but they can be overcome. Proverbs 13:12 reminds us that a longing fulfilled "is a tree of life." We all have a deep longing for love and relational connections and seek them out in our own unique ways. This includes avoidant personalities who initially seem like they don't want relationships. Even when these deep longings seem to be beyond recognition, they are still at the core because every person is made in God's image. We all desire to be in relationship with others. And even though it is harder for the avoidant personality, they can do it with time and appropriate help.
 Return to Page One
Recommended Reading
A resource for further reading on the topic of avoidance is Hiding from Love: How to Change the Withdrawal Patterns That Isolate and Imprison You by Dr. John Townsend (1996, Zondervan: Grand Rapids). The author's discussion of the hiding dilemma, helpful and harmful hiding, and hope for those who hide will enlighten counselors, ministry professionals, family members, and struggling individuals alike.
Also recommended is Robert Karen's book, Becoming Attached, (1998, Oxford University Press).on the development of attachment styles. Karen, using his gifts as a journalist and a psychoanalyst, presents the basic concepts of attachment in a way that is both readable and enjoyable.
1. Adapted from Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Fourth Edition. Washington, D.C. American Psychiatric Association, 2000.
Paul A. Johns, M.A., MFT is a Mobile Therapist and Behavioral Specialist consultant with Philhaven in Reading, PA. He specializes in working with children and their families.
Return to Page One
NOTE: To email this article to a friend, return to page one and click on the "E-mail a Friend" button link at the top right of the page.
|
