Avoidant Personality Styles
Page Four
Second, ask questions that show your sincere interest in his life. At first you may ask the usual questions about the weather, work, and his day. But as your relationship grows, you can gradually become more personal and ask questions about his ideas and feelings. In time you may get to the hurts and fears that first led him to start avoiding meaningful relationships with others.
Third, you can disclose things about yourself, including your own struggles and weaknesses. Honest self-disclosure promotes a sense of togetherness and safety and encourages reciprocal sharing.
Fourth, once you reach a level of honest mutual sharing, you may need to lovingly confront one of the avoidant person's behaviors or tendency to exaggerate the disapproval he or she receives from others. Empathize with the person's pain and reasons for acting or seeing things the way he or she does. Then kindly point out the problems these reactions are causing. Continue to show that you still accept him even if he doesn't change. You are simply trying to help him observe something he does that actually interferes with what he really wants in life. You aren't being critical or condemning. You are trying to be helpful.
Fifth, take it slowly. If either you or the avoidant person discloses too much too quickly, things can backfire. An idealized, intimate relationship may become so attractive that he jumps in with both feet only to be disillusioned and withdraw again the moment things don't fit his fantasized image of a perfect, close relationship. Consistent love and caring, along with an occasional misunderstanding that is talked through and resolved, lay a much better foundation for lasting trust than a quick, idealized relationship.
Sixth, commit the entire relationship to prayer. Try not to become discouraged about what may appear to be a lack of return for your efforts. God is even more interested in helping your friend than you are!
Finally, one of the most important things you can do is to encourage your avoidant friend to get professional counseling. You may not have the skills, time, or desire to help a friend with a longstanding pattern of avoidance. Your pastor may know a good Christian therapist. Or you can do some of your own research to identify the names of reputable therapists. Don't expect that all counselors will have the expertise to work with avoidant personality issues, since counselors have various specialties and experiences. Try to find someone with a special gift in relating to people who have a habit of avoiding meaningful relationships.
 Consistent love and caring, along
with an occasional misunderstanding
that is talked through and resolved, lay
a much better foundation for lasting trust
than a quick, idealized relationship.
When your friend seems most open or most frustrated by his anxiety is a good time to suggest that a therapist could be helpful. Then gently explain why you believe this. You should expect some defensiveness, hesitancy, denial, or even a strong display of emotion. But if you have made it this far and you are fairly certain of the individual's need for therapy, your assertiveness in recommending treatment may be the best way to show your concern.
What If I Have an Avoidant Personality Style?
First, if you keep seeing yourself in these pages, be assured that help is available. You do not have to continue living with such strong self-criticism and fears of being ridiculed, disapproved, or hurt. You can work through the causes of your painful relational feelings and become comfortable around others. The starting point is to know that you can. Others have done it. So can you.
Second. The next step is to find a safe relationship. Find a friend or counselor with whom you feel a reasonable measure of safety and comfort. You won't feel incredibly safe, of course, because that's the nature of your problem. But some people are basically very kind, well-adjusted, accepting, non-judgmental and tend to put you at ease. That is the type of person you need to begin sharing your struggles.
Third, be prepared to face the painful childhood experiences that lie at the root of your tendency to be extremely shy and sensitive. While it is probably most beneficial to do this with a professional counselor, you may be able to find a good friend who can help you on this journey. This can be a frightening step, but it is incredibly relieving to find that you are not alone and that someone can come alongside you in a way that no one did when you were growing up. The Bible says, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2 NIV).
Fourth, don't expect perfection from your psychotherapist or your friend. They will not perfectly understand you all the time. And you don't need them to. What you need is someone who is largely sensitive, understanding, patient, and nonjudgmental—not someone who is perfect. In fact, part of your growth will probably come by learning that a slight misunderstanding or a temporary preoccupation was just that—not a sign of deep disapproval or rejection.
Fifth, expect to work through a variety of intense emotions. People who continually avoid situations need to come to grips with their social anxiety. But they also frequently have other hidden painful feelings like shame, depression, abandonment, confusion, anger or resentment. Only as you work through those longstanding emotions will you develop the freedom to feel good about yourself, comfortable with others, and to perceive social situations realistically.
Therapy with a sensitive Christian psychologist or counselor can provide a safe environment that gradually helps you "come out of hiding" and experience authentic acceptance. Although your counseling probably needs to start individually in order to help you feel safe, in time it may be helpful to involve a spouse, family members, or even a friend. Some people find group counseling helpful once they have established a safe relationship with a counselor and made some initial progress.
 Continued on Page Five
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