Avoidant Personality Styles
Page Three
Unfortunately, living in a sinful world brings a myriad of potential problems into our relationships. We misunderstand each other. We blame others for our problems, and we become preoccupied with ourselves. Some of us become extremely angry, condemning, controlling, or critical. Others lose control of their lives through drugs and alcohol, and some are physically or mentally abusive. All of these styles can cause deep pain during a child's impressionable formative years.
When children are repeatedly emotionally bruised or ignored, their hope of ever having safe, encouraging, nurturing connections is snuffed out by their constant fear of hurt, criticism, or rejection. Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." The avoidant person lives with little or no hope that love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, patience, kindness, and forgiveness can ever be his. This despair makes him emotionally vulnerable. Once the heart despairs of ever experiencing safe intimacy, it is difficult to believe that one's needs can ever be met by another person. The safest recourse seems to be avoidance.
People with Avoidant Personality traits became that way because of a variety of influences. They were likely born with a certain biological predisposition toward introversiveness, hyperirritability, fearfulness, or sensitivity. They may have grown up in a family that was in some way abusive (sometimes severely so), neglectful, rejecting, or highly critical, competitive or shaming. Some combination of these family dynamics combined with their inborn temperament caused them to become excessively self-critical, sensitive to rejection, and socially anxious. Siblings and peers may also have unknowingly contributed to the development of their self-rejecting, critical way of thinking about themselves. Eventually, a vulnerable self-concept emerges and continues to be reinforced by subsequent relationships, experiences, and self-perceptions.
An avoidant personality nearly always begins in early childhood. It often starts as profound shyness, fear of social situations, or lack of friendships. In adolescence, this trait becomes clearer as the social and emotional struggles of the teenage years take center stage. By adulthood, the characteristics of an avoidant personality are generally well established.
 Someone who has avoided deep
personal involvement out of fear
for years will not be able to suddenly
drop his defenses and invite
you in with open arms.
During childhood and adolescence, caution should be taken not to mistake normal development or unique individual characteristics for a more pervasive avoidant personality style or disorder. Shyness, while sometimes labeled as maladaptive by more outgoing and gregarious members of our society, may be a perfectly normal manifestation of one's biological predispositions or personality. The desire to read a good book instead of attending a party is not indicative of avoidance. Similarly, purposefully withdrawing from people in order to regain one's energy, experience solitude, or protect oneself from relational injustices may merely reflect responsible choices or the needs of a more introverted individual. It is only when a pattern of avoidance is anxiety driven and becomes consistent and pervasive that it is maladaptive.
How Can I Help Someone With an
Avoidant Personality Style?
Being in relationship with a person with an avoidant personality can be frustrating and confusing. You want to be emotionally connected and engage in the normal range of human interactions. But they are socially and emotionally like a turtle who repeatedly pulls into his shell at inappropriate moments. You get occasional glimpses of their real self—just enough to get your hopes up—only to see them retreat into their shell again.
Efforts to relate to a friend or relative like this can seem fruitless or never ending. You may feel the easiest thing to do is to give up and allow the person to withdraw. After all, isn't this what the avoidant person wants us to do anyhow? But remember, the avoidant personality is conflicted at this point. He both wants to be left alone (for safety) and to be in a relationship.
Some withdrawn, shy, avoidant people will struggle with their feelings for an entire lifetime. But many others grow and change. A combination of their own motivation, the support and acceptance of family and friends, an experience of God's unconditional love, and participation in good therapy can bring about major growth. Even then, however, we should not expect an avoidant person to turn into the life of the party! And the process will take time.
Someone who has avoided deep personal involvement out of fear for years will not be able to suddenly drop his defenses and invite you in with open arms. Instead, expect him to alternate between hope and fear and to inch toward you one minute and retreat the next. Helping the avoidant person takes a great deal of patience, sensitivity, and time. But if you can place yourself in their emotional shoes and sense the fears they feel, you may be able to gradually help them take steps to diminish their fears. Here are some specific suggestions for helping an avoidant person.
First. The first step is to help the person feel as safe as possible with you. His pain and danger radar is exceptionally strong. Since any hint of criticism, ridicule, or rejection can trigger his withdrawal, it is crucial to accept him just as he is. If you have too strong of a desire to change him, you won't be helpful. The avoidant person will sense that you want him to change for your reasons, and he won't feel safe and understood. The avoidant person must know that you want to help him for himself, not for you. Only then can he feel safe enough to open up. The Bible puts it well when it says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment" (I John 45:18 NIV). As long as the avoidant person is afraid that you will criticize, judge, complain, or punish, he will not feel safe enough to open up. It will take much patient love to help overcome his fear.
 Continued on Page Four
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