How to Relate Better to People
Page Three
They Will Respond
One of the encouraging things I have learned through the years is that people do not have to remain as they are. As long as we are alive, we can change. And we can help other people to change and be happier.
Here are some techniques and basic approaches that will predispose people to respond favorably to you.
The Plus of Appreciation
Every person likes to be thanked. We appreciate being appreciated! We respond positively to those who encourage and compliment us. Perhaps you're not getting along with others because you are usually concentrating on yourself rather than thinking about how the other person feels. You may be overlooking his longing to be thanked and appreciated. The Bible has much to say about thankfulness. And, while we need to be grateful to God, let's not forget to show appreciation to the people around us.
Some people are caught in a "self" trap. For example, their own pain and problems or lack of parental models prevents them from noticing and recognizing other people. But whether your acquaintances are well-adjusted or not, they will tend to respond to your encouragement.
Is Anyone Listening?
No matter where we go in the world, we find that people are much the same. They want someone who will listen to them. I remember a lady phoning me from Texas. She started talking non-stop. She poured out her heart until I thought I should remind her this was probably costing her a pretty penny.
"Is there someone nearer whom you can talk to?" I asked.
"No, Dr. Narramore," she replied, "there isn't. There's no one in Texas who wants to listen. They all want to do the talking themselves." I'm sure there were plenty of people in Texas who would have listened to her but she apparently didn't know them!
Whether people are in Texas, New York, California, or elsewhere, they need to talk, and, of course, someone needs to listen. So, if you want people to respond to you, if you want to click with them, there is a surefire way to do it—become a genuine listener. People don't need your advice as much as they need your listening ear.
We are attracted to people who will listen to us. Just notice your own friends. Are they not people with whom you feel comfortable and who will let you do the talking? When you let people talk, you are helping them meet a basic need to release their feelings, to sift their ideas and make plans for the future. They like you because you're helping them by listening!
Accepting People "As Is"
One of the problems in getting along with people is that we tend to want to change them. We don't accept them as they are. Rather than concentrating on their good points and their strengths, we focus on their weaknesses.
There are several reasons why you and I may not accept people as they are. Dorothy, for example, was a past master at finding the weaknesses of other people—especially men. If anyone followed her around for a few days, he would find that she was continually finding the faults in her husband, men in her church, and fellows at the office where she was employed.
 People don't need your advice as
much as they need your listening ear.
Little does Dorothy realize that she has a basic hostility, especially toward men, because of the negative relationship which she had as a child with her own father. When Dorothy was growing up her father had little time for her, and told her so. Then when she was a teenager he left the family and never returned. As a result Dorothy has a built-in dislike for all men and she finds fault with them easily.
Steve, on the other hand, notices the undesirable traits in other people because he feels insecure himself. Perhaps he doesn't realize how insecure he is. But the results are just the same. By criticizing other people and looking for their undesirable points he attempts to lift his own self-concept.
Other times we exaggerate others faults or weaknesses because we see in them things we dislike in ourselves. We may actually be "projecting" onto them our own problems. Fred, for example, was known as a person who exaggerated; but while he couldn't see this trait in himself, he disliked it in other people. He couldn't bear to indict himself, so he indicted others.
We will never be able to relate well to people until we have accepted them for what they are, rather than for what they're not.
The Magnetic Optimist
Have you ever noticed that you tend to move toward people who are cheerful? There's something about a joyous person that draws people to him, much like metal to a magnet.
Life is not happy for everyone. In fact, many people are discouraged most of the time. It isn't that they want to be; but their circumstances and conditions are such that they are unhappy with the way things are going.
Consequently, when someone comes along who is radiant and happy, it's like a pleasant breeze. "A merry heart does good like a medicine" (Proverbs 17:22) is a demonstrable fact. Just notice the next time you are in a crowd how people gravitate to those who are encouraging and optimistic.
When you look around and see other people's problems, your own may not seem so significant. You can go through the day thanking God that you have arms and legs and eyes and ears, and that you feel as well as you do. You can thank God for all the good things that have come across your path that day. If you want to get along with people, remember they don't need another down frown. What they appreciate is someone who is looking on the bright side. Many people don't realize how negative they come across.
Actually, as born-again Christians, we have much to be happy about, because in the final analysis we are on the winning side. We might have temporary losses here on earth, and we may be disappointed in some people or situations. But finally we are going to be in the presence of God for eternity. Earth is just a passing-through place. So we can be happy every day about this. "Eye has not seen nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him" (I Corinthians 2:9)
 Continued on Page Four
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