Violence and Abuse in the Home
Page Two
3. Spiritual devastation. When counseling with people who have suffered from violence, I have noticed that in most cases the victims have been shattered spiritually. They nearly always ask, "Why did God permit this? Why did He let this happen to me or to my children?" They have believed that since God is a good God, that He would never let them become abused and suffer such pain. But somehow it happened. So they often blame God and are no longer interested in church, or anything of a spiritual nature.
It is probably even worse when the perpetrator himself was a Christian, or perhaps even a Christian leader. The victim feels that if the people of God do such things Christianity is a sham.
4. Extreme anger. One result of traumatic incidents is hostility and extreme anger. The person who has been victimized is usually angry at the person who caused the violence. But it doesn't end there. He may be angry at all people who are the same sex as the abuser. In other words, if a woman was abused by her father or uncle when she was growing up, her anger often generalizes to all males. Abused children may also be angry at the parent who failed to protect him from the abuser. And finally, abused people are often angry at themselves as though they were somehow to blame.
5. Devastating guilt. One of the things that our Attorney General's Committee on Violence and Abuse noticed was the terrible pattern of guilt which people developed after having been victimized. Interestingly enough, most victims blame themselves more than they blame their perpetrators. They feel that somehow they must have caused the perpetrator to do what he did. They may also erroneously believe that God doesn't forgive such behavior. So they carry devastating guilt for years.
6. Depression. There are several basic causes for depression, but one is childhood physical or emotional abuse. Abused children feel unloved, unworthy, angry and guilty. All of these emotions can create lasting depression unless they are faced and resolved.
7. Suicidal tendencies. Sometimes feelings of guilt and depression are so severe that the victim feels like the only way out is to end his or her life. Some abused wives think this is the only way they can get away from their abuser. They may also feel that suicide will prevent them from having to tell anyone, especially family members.
 If a woman was abused by her father
or uncle when she was growing up, her
anger often generalizes to all males.
8. Inability to perform well on the job. Since abuse is often perpetrated by a person in authority, one of the places where a person can be affected is the workplace. Abused people may either become passive and dependent, cut off and isolated, or suspicious and resentful of all people in authority. They can also be envious or jealous of their peers and co-workers.
Violence Comes in Many Forms
There is more than one way to hurt a person. Some people are attacked physically. Once I received a letter from a woman saying her husband rolled up newspapers until he had a big, thick roll the size of a baseball bat. Then he beat the children with it.
Other parents grab their children by the shoulders, back them up against the wall, and bang their heads against it until they fall unconscious on the floor.
Perhaps the most devastating form of abuse is sexual. Children who are sexually molested not only lose their innocence prematurely; they feel used because their boundaries are violated. And they have a terrible time trusting others.
Other adults abuse children by not meeting their emotional needs. At a seminar, one lady told about her experiences as a child. "When I was growing up," she said, "I could never please my mother. She was a Christian and she took good enough care of me in physical ways. But I could never satisfy her. She wanted everything done in a certain way. If I failed, she would scold and yell at me. I guess you'd call her a perfectionist. At any rate, she had a tiny mold and it was up to everybody in the family to fit into Mom's mold. It became unbearable. On two occasions I tried to take my own life. I thought that was the only way of escape."
Many people do not realize how much they abuse others. I'm sure this "perfectionist" mother did not realize what she was doing to her daughter. In fact, the mother was probably unaware that she was a perfectionist.
In marriage, some spouses run roughshod over their mates' thoughts and feelings and desires. They think only of themselves and routinely neglect or emotionally abuse their mates.
In short, abuse comes in many forms.
 Continued on Page Three
|
