Understanding & Preventing Teenage Delinquency
Page Four
Martin Hoffman, a researcher from the University of Michigan , discussed what he calls the "discipline encounter." The discipline encounter is essentially a two-step process between parent and child occurring after a child has violated the rights of another.
Consider Sharon, a five year old who inappropriately takes a doll from her playmate, Cindy. When Sharon begins playing with the doll, Cindy bursts into tears. This incident calls for some training or discipline.
The first step is for the parent to communicate to Sharon the consequences of her mistreatment of her playmate. They should explain or demonstrate the specific effects of Sharon 's action, including drawing attention to how Cindy feels. The goal is to encourage Sharon to have empathy at both a thinking level (cognitive understanding) and a feeling level (emotional).
 The discipline encounter is essentially
a two-step process between parent
and child occurring after a child has
violated the rights of another.
Sharon 's parents might say, "Sharon, do you see how Cindy is crying? She is crying because she is sad and upset that she does not have her doll. Remember when you were upset because your sister wouldn't let you play Candyland? That is how Cindy feels right now." Sometimes it's helpful to reference back to a time when the child felt a similar way. This first step is designed to help Sharon have an empathic reaction to her friend.
If the first step of the discipline encounter is to get the child in touch with how the other person must feel, the second step is to help the child acknowledge his or her appropriate responsibility. To help Sharon do this, her parent could gently say, "Cindy is crying and hurt because you took the doll away from her." After the parent says this, it is important that the child then admit his or her responsibility. Helping the child accept responsibility helps to trigger the appropriate guilt feelings that will lead Sharon to be different the next time.
Be very careful at this point, however. Do not try to help your child feel healthy remorse by shaming, condemning, embarrassing or threatening. These parental techniques actually cause children to miss the real point—concern for the other—because they end up feeling so horrible about themselves. For example, if Sharon 's parent angrily said to her, "What's the matter with you? You are such a selfish child," Sharon would feel terrible about herself, but she wouldn't be learning to be sensitive to Cindy. She would be focused on how bad she was instead of how sad Cindy was feeling. What follows below are several important suggestions to help in giving discipline that works.
First, discipline-encounter messages should be simply and gently stated in a warm, yet direct, manner. A mild, yet firm, tone of voice is sufficient to help a child see his or her responsibility. Yelling in an angry manner induces fear or self-punitive guilt rather than constructive remorse. While fear and self-punitive guilt may temporarily get young children to comply, they lose their effectiveness as children grow older. In fact, they can plant seeds of great hostility and delayed rebellion. Discipline-encounter messages should be simply and gently stated in a warm, yet direct, manner.
Second, discipline needs to be consistent and followed through to completion. When you begin to discipline and fail to follow through, you teach your children that rules and standards do not have fixed consequences. You also teach them that parents and authority need not be taken seriously.
You only need to spend 15 minutes in your local grocery store to see this in action. In Aisle Eight, Mom or Dad threatens, "Jeremy, don't touch that or you won't get an ice cream cone!" Jeremy continues to touch the forbidden object—an action which elicits a second, even stronger, threat. Each time Jeremy violates his parent's instruction, the volume of the threat increases. Finally, both Jeremy and his parents are at wit's end.
Discipline needs to be consistent and
followed through to completion.
At the end of the shopping trip as they walk past the ice cream counter, Jeremy begins to throw a tantrum. To silence him, his parent "gives in" and buys the ice cream cone. Not only has Jeremy successfully violated the norm, "Don't touch that!" but he has avoided the consequence, "You won't get an ice cream cone." Jeremy is learning, You can get away with things if you work it right. He is learning he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions. And he is learning not to care about what others think and feel. In short, Jeremy is developing some of the most basic attitudes of teenagers who eventually become delinquent.
Third, discipline needs to be developmentally appropriate. Our discipline needs to take into account the age and maturity of the child. Younger children tend to need rewards and discipline that come immediately after their behavior. The more time that elapses between the behavior and the consequence (either positive or negative), the less likely it is that a young child remembers the connection between the two.
On the other hand, older children are able to make the connection between behaviors and consequences when significant time has elapsed. A teenager can understand that not getting to use the car on the weekend is a consequence for not doing his chores at the beginning of the week.
Our choice of rewards, privileges and discipline also need to coincide with our child's interests and desires. A few minutes spent in "time-out" are more appropriate for younger children, while older children can tolerate longer periods. Not getting dessert may be effective for a five-year-old, but loses its "sting" when used as a consequence for most fifteen-year-olds.
Discipline needs to be
developmentally appropriate.
Keeping these simple steps and principles in mind can help you help your children grow into responsible, loving adults.
Marcus, for example, periodically gave his parents fits when he was a young child. He was disruptive in early grade school and often oppositional at home. His parents fearfully wondered, If Marcus is behaving like this now, will he be worse as time goes on? But they persevered through the tough times, remaining loving and available. Marcus' dad set aside regular times to do fun things alone with his son. Both parents worked at becoming good listeners and paying attention to Marcus' feelings, both positive and negative. They got involved in a church with a good children's ministry, and they held Marcus responsible for his behavior and helped him see the consequences for his actions.
Over time, Marcus began to internalize his parents' concern for him. As he did, he developed a sense of empathy for others, and he began to experience healthy guilt more deeply. His parents' balance of love and limits and their positive training helped Marcus avoid a potentially dangerous path toward delinquent behavior.
Like Marcus' parents, you can steer your children away from that "delinquent path." It is ironic that millions of dollars have been spent on prevention programs to do this, when in fact, the best prevention strategies begin at home.
Copyright © 2001 by Narramore Christian Foundation
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Dr. David Cimbora is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in work with children and adolescents. He serves as an Assistant Professor of Psychology at Rosemead School of Psychology, Biola University. In addition, he is in private practice at the Biola Counseling Center.
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