Building Biblical Self-Esteem
Page Three
A number of years ago, I had an experience that brought this concept home to me. My then eight-year-old son, Richard, and I drove downtown to get a pizza. We placed our order and did some window shopping in nearby stores while we waited. After 15 minutes or so, we picked up our pizza and headed toward the car. After Richard opened the passenger door and climbed in, he said, "I'll take it!"
I set the pizza in his hands, but before I let go, I asked, "Are you sure you've got it?"
"Sure," he replied, a confident expression on his face.
You can guess what happened! Richard dropped the pizza and most of it went upside down on the dusty floor of my Maverick. My first impulse was to say, "What's the matter with you? I just asked you if you had it! Why don't you be more careful?" But I quickly caught myself when I realized the impact that such a statement could have on his self-esteem. Instead, I looked at him and said, "Oh, I guess we've got pizza upside-down cake!" Then we both laughed and began to clean up the mess. When we returned home, I asked Richard to finish cleaning up the car so that I wouldn't have to smell pizza on the way to work the next morning. Afterward, we went into the house and ate what was left of the pizza.
A few hours later, as I was putting Richard to bed, he leaned up on one elbow and said, "Dad, what would another dad have done?"
Puzzled, I said, "What do you mean, Richard?"
"About the pizza, " he replied. "What would he have done if his boy had dropped the pizza?"
"I don't know, son. What do you think?"
"I think he'd be mad!"
In some ways, this incident was minor, but it's just the sort of interaction that molds good self-esteem.
The pizza incident leads us to one of the sources of self-esteem-the labels we receive from our parents and others. Most parents have a few favorite terms they use to motivate their children or to express frustration. Some of these are endearing; others are not. If a child sleeps too long, he is "lazy." If he makes a mistake, he is "stupid." When he is uncooperative, he is "stubborn." When he isn't mannerly, he is "gross." And when his room is unkempt, he is "sloppy."
 Most parents have a few favorite terms
they use to motivate their children or
to express frustration. Some of these
are endearing; others are not.
During a seminar for parents, I asked the participants to share the negative labels that had been applied to them during their childhood. In addition to the ones already mentioned, the adults listed "tank," "motor mouth," "leather gut," "beanpole," "pea brain," " Simple Sally," "fat cow's tail," "grasshopper brain," and "elephant ears." One lady burst into tears as she recalled the label "devil daughter." It was now 40 years later, but she still could not throw off the shackles of that distressing label!
Whenever a child is labeled, an image is sketched on his mind. Repeated labels can indelibly influence a child's developing picture of him or herself. Accusations like "clumsy" or "stupid" become important elements of the child's growing attitude toward himself. Absorbed and stored in his mind, these labels act as a barrier to development of a positive self-concept. They can even impact our relationship with God since if we feel unlovable or unworthy, we tend to assume God thinks and feels the same way about us.
Other Sources of the Developing Self-Image
Parents and immediate caregivers aren't the only source from which the growing child develops his or her self-image. Siblings, playmates, teachers and pastors all give critical input into the sensitive child's developing self-concept. Television and radio project a variety of images and ideals to the growing child. The successful person on television is attractive, intelligent, athletic, personable, and suave. Commercials tell us that soap will change our complexion, a six-week course will dramatically improve our memory, and toothpaste will give us sex appeal!
Consciously and unconsciously, these media goals and expectations merge with the ideals of our parents, peers and teachers, and are absorbed into our personality. They come together with our God-given gifts and potentialities and direction to form a picture or mental image of what we think we want or ought to be. The image contains both our healthy, God-given expectations and our learned ways of viewing ourselves.
Once these thoughts crystallize, this set of goals or expectations or images becomes our ideal self. This ideal self becomes the standard by which we judge ourselves and our performance. If we meet our ideal standards, we tend to like ourselves and experience self-esteem. But when we fall short of our ideals, we are left with feelings of discouragement or dissatisfaction. This ideal self, which is formed for the most part in the first decade or so of life, becomes a permanent fixture in our psychic lives, unless we actively work on changing it. Years later, often without awareness, we continue judging ourselves by the standards we absorbed as children and young adults.
Although the cultivation and development
of a good self-image may be rooted in
childhood, it is also a continuing process
subject to our own choices throughout life.
Yet, although the cultivation and development of a good self-image may be rooted in childhood, it is also a continuing process subject to our own choices throughout life. Our view of ourselves fluctuates somewhat depending on everything from our spiritual and physical health to the degree of success which we achieve or the quality of our relationships with others at any given time. If we are doing well at school, home or work, our self-confidence gets a temporary shot in the arm. We stand a little taller, walk a little brisker, and feel good about ourselves. If, however, we are doing poorly, the opposite takes place. We become more insecure and our confidence begins to sag. Similarly, if people praise us or our achievements, we feel better about ourselves. If they criticize or rebuff us, our confidence takes a beating. But once we settle into our adult years, in spite of these regular fluctuations, our deepest feelings about ourselves don't change radically without some major effort—such as professional counseling. An especially negative self-concept can be so deeply ingrained that it will take months or years to rework at a deep emotional and spiritual level.
Your Relationship With God Can Impact Your Self-Image
The greatest and ultimate source of a good self-concept is the knowledge that we are created, gifted, loved and watched over by the God of the universe. After all, God did make us and we are not "junk!" The Bible declares, "You are created a little lower than the angels and crowned with glory and honor" (Psalm 8:5). And the Bible speaks to every aspect of our self-esteem-our needs for a sense of worth, love, confidence and security.
 Continued on Page Four
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