Danger Signals in Your Child's Behavior
Page Two
6. Frequent lying. I'm sure that everyone has told at least a few little "fibs" at one time or another. And, of course, very young children have difficulty distinguishing between the real and the imaginary. They may believe in Santa and the tooth fairy and they create "make believe" stories of their own. This isn't lying, and as a child grows older, the lines between what is true and what is imaginary become more defined.
Lying is different. Lying is being purposefully untruthful, not simply imagining something. Children lie for many reasons. Some feel they are not as good as others so they lie to make themselves look better. Through falsehoods they express the deep longings of their hearts or the way they would like to be. Other children occasionally lie to avoid punishment or to get their siblings in trouble. While this is not desirable, it doesn't necessarily reflect long-lasting problems.
A few children, however, lie habitually. These children are actually saying, "I am unable to cope with life as it actually is, so I'm trying to distort my view of the way things are." These children need help to get to the sources of their unhappiness.
7. Taking other people's things. Why would a child steal? There are many reasons. When a child is very young, he does not distinguish between what belongs to him and what belongs to someone else.
 Stealing may also be a form of anger
and rebellion against authority. 
As he grows older he becomes aware of ownership and begins to know what is his and what is not. By this time, if a child continues taking things that are not his, he may be angry, feeling he is justified in taking whatever he can. Or, he may be especially selfish. Or, he may feel that life is unfair and that it's OK for him to "get even" by stealing.
I once studied a boy who would steal money, then buy candy and various things. Instead of eating or using the objects himself, he would give them to other children, thereby making temporary friends. Although his stealing was a problem, it was not his major difficulty. He needed to feel that he was loved and wanted as he was—not for what he could give to others.
Stealing may also be a form of anger and rebellion against authority.
If your child is prone to take things which do not belong to him, and if this behavior continues over a period of time, you should seriously consider getting professional counseling for him.
8. Compulsive behavior. Many children and adults have a few compulsive traits. Some of us like things exceptionally neat and clean. Or we do little things over and over. Or we keep wondering if we left the door unlocked! A little compulsive behavior or a few obsessive thoughts are not a problem. They may even be adaptive! But some people go well beyond a little "normal compulsivity."
One time while in Hawaii I appeared on a phone-in program at a local radio station in Honolulu . One of the callers said, "Dr. Narramore, I would like to ask you a question about my mother. She has a rather strange compulsion. No matter where she is, she'll stop walking, take a couple of steps backward, then continue walking forward again. She does this all the time. What's wrong? What makes her do that?"
I answered her plainly: "Because it makes her feel good for the moment. In some way that even she doesn't understand, her ritualistic behavior is temporarily relieving her of some anxiety or guilt or hidden pain.
Compulsions are basically "magical" rituals that people perform because of the unconscious belief that the ritual will keep something bad from happening or will atone for some negative thought or deed. Compulsive washing, for example, is usually a classic reflection of an unconscious belief that one is especially sinful, or does not measure up, or has committed a deed that must be repeatedly "cleansed."
Some children's lives are almost dominated by such compulsive actions. This indicates an unhealthy emotional state and the compulsions often grow worse until they interfere seriously with a person's performance and happiness. Compulsions also tend to develop more in boys and girls who are continually held to unusually high standards of performance or who are yelled at and nagged often.
If your child continually performs little rituals or does things seemingly beyond his control, he is telling you that all is not well. He is probably feeling unsure, guilty, pressured, or insecure, and he needs special help getting to the root of his hidden emotional dilemma.
9. Extreme fearfulness. In a sense, life has many fearful places. There are hot stoves, electric wires, dangerous animals, slippery surfaces, harmful people, and a host of other fearful things and situations. Consequently, a reasonable amount of fear in a child's life is expected and healthy. But some children go through life continually afraid. They are afraid of making friends. They are nearly panicked by even mildly frightening stories or television programs. And they are extremely afraid to go to a new class, sleep over at a friend's house, or be left alone by their parents.
If a child you know demonstrates a fearful
attitude about most things, he is signaling to
you that he needs someone to come alongside
him and make him feel comfortable.
If a child you know demonstrates a fearful attitude about most things, he is signaling to you that he needs someone to come alongside him and make him feel comfortable. He may also benefit from professional diagnosis and counseling.
10. Inordinate preoccupation with sex. Sex is a normal part of life, and it is natural for children to think about sex part of the time and to do some sexual exploring.
The child who is well-adjusted will be interested in sex and have some questions and may feel embarrassed or ashamed at times. But he won't be obsessed with sex. Emotionally healthy children accept human sexuality as a normal part of life. They enjoy their own sexuality and appreciate that of the opposite sex. But some children are inordinately preoccupied with sexual matters. They repeatedly ask questions about specific sexual details, show an obsession with the bodies of the opposite sex, snicker and joke about sex, or try to get access to sexually explicit magazines or Internet web sites. This is not healthy.
If your child, or one whom you are teaching, is preoccupied with sexual matters, he may need your thoughtful attention.
 Continued on Page Three
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