Boomerang Children
Page Four
Crushed by a failed marriage or the loss of a loved one, and pressed by financial realities, many young mothers like Glenna are almost forced to return home—even if they are quite independent and self-confident. But even then, you will need to negotiate some things. Where will the children sleep? Who will handle the baby-sitting? Whose limits (parent or grandparent) will be enforced? And who will discipline the children?
If your daughter doesn't have a job, you may not expect her to get one in the next two weeks. But you should expect her to begin actively looking when the immediate shock of the divorce or death has passed. You also need to talk about your role with her finances. Since the major motivating factor for returning home is financial, it is probably unrealistic to ask her for rent. But for her own well-being, she should be moving toward the time when she will be able to support herself in her own place. To accomplish that, she must reach the point when she is either paying you monthly rent or putting that amount away in savings in preparation for a return to independent living.
 Crushed by a failed marriage many
young mothers like Glenna are almost
forced to return home-even if they are
quite independent and self-confident.
After basic questions are settled and things are going better, you can talk over how long she thinks she will need to stay. Most young adults won't abuse your support and will want to leave as soon as possible. When they are emotionally refueled and on their feet financially, they are anxious to be on their way. The few who are not need to be helped to take that big step again.
What to Do When They Won't Go
Some young adults don't seem to have a clue that they are wearing out their welcome or failing to take responsibility for their lives. After an initial settling period, a boomerang child may start enjoying home a bit too much. Or a post-school young adult may not be making any plans to strike out on his own. If this happens, you may need to help them take another step toward independence. Here are some signals that it is time to have another talk:
- They have lived with you for more than a year after finishing their education.
- They have not held a steady job for several months to a year.
- They do not seem seriously committed to earning a decent living in the immediate future.
- They are unable to prioritize and handle their finances.
- They continue to show early- or middle-adolescent attitudes and characteristics like alternating between independent and dependent phases, or resenting you and frequently getting into quarrels.
- You believe they aren't maturing emotionally and spiritually and taking responsibility for their lives.
- They have no medium or long-term plans
If several of these are true in your family, your adult child has either reached the time when he or she should be setting out on his own, or you have failed to establish and carry through on some reasonable expectations. Assuming the problem isn't the expectations, you should raise your concerns, ask them about their plans, and talk things over. Let them know you believe it is important for all concerned that they begin thinking about getting their own apartment.
A realistic but definite time frame is one
of the best ways of telling young adults
that you are confident they can take
greater responsibility for their lives.
If your young adults keep dragging their feet, you need to have another talk. You might begin by asking how long they think they would like to stay. This puts the ball in their court, gets them thinking, and lets them know that you are serious. Without giving the impression you want to kick them out, you have started the discussion. If your young adults say they are perfectly happy to stay indefinitely, you may need to be more direct. You can state why (either for your good or theirs) you believe they need to start considering other options.
If your children say they want to stay "until I find a place" or "until I save a little money," ask, "How long do you think it will take to do that?" An "I don't know" reply can be met with the statement such as, "We aren't comfortable with such an indefinite time." If they say "a year or two" you might counter with, "Six months sounds a little more realistic to us. That would give you time to put away some money (or find a job or an apartment) but still not rush things too much." A realistic but definite time frame is one of the best ways of telling young adults that you are confident they can take greater responsibility for their lives. It also draws a realistic boundary that lets them know precisely what they can expect.
If your son or daughter cites a lack of
money as an excuse for staying home,
say you would be happy to help him
or her plan a workable budget.
If your son or daughter cites a lack of money as an excuse for staying home, say you would be happy to help him or her plan a workable budget. And if they still don't see how they can get started, you might offer to pay their first month or two of rent, but make it clear that after that they are on their own. The issue here, of course, is not whether you can afford to pay for their expenses or not, but their need to take responsibility for their own lives. You should not enable them to keep from growing up by giving them money when they are old enough to earn it for themselves. If you do, you are depriving them of the opportunity to grow into emotionally and spiritually mature human beings.
Summary
Living at home as a young adult can be a necessary, wonderful, profitable, and enjoyable experience. As parents, however, you need to be sure these arrangements are good for both you and your adult children. Arrangements that give you time to enjoy an adult relationship with your children and give your young adults a little additional time to consolidate their personalities or to get on their financial feet are fine. But arrangements that perpetuate childhood dependency will actually cripple your young adults and should be modified or terminated for their welfare and your own.
1. Jean Davies Okimoto and Phyllis Jackson Stegall, Boomerang Kids (Boston: Little, Brown and Company, 1987).
2. I Thessalonians 5:14.
3. Proverbs 10:5
4. Proverbs 19:15
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Dr. Vern Lewis, Ph.D. is a retired Christian psychologist, specializing in adolescence and human development. He is professor emeritus of Rosemead School of Psychology and Biola University .
Bruce Narramore, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist, a professor at the Rosemead School of Psychology, Biola University, and President of the Narramore Christian Foundation. Dr. Narramore is an author of nine books including Help I'm a Parent and co-author of The Integration of Psychology and Theology: An Introduction. These books can be purchased online at: www.ncfliving.com/store
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