Boomerang Children
Page Three
their plans-especially if they include living at home! A conference with your young adult son or daughter can usually be carried out casually and in an almost offhand way. But several important issues do need to be discussed: Why do they want to stay at home? Have they considered any other living arrangements? What do they see as the pros and cons? How long might they want to stay? And have they thought about what it might be like living at home as a young adult?
You also need to think about the rest of the family. Were you planning to use your child's room for a study or an extra bedroom? Does your family's financial situation justify continued financial support to your young adults? Do you and your spouse agree this would not be a step backwards for your son or daughter? Have your other children been planning on a bedroom for themselves or more access to the family car? Don't interrogate them about their plans but do try to understand each other's expectations.
If you decide it is feasible for your adult child to live at home, then it's time to discuss more specific questions and guidelines to govern the relationship. You will need to come to an understanding on questions like:
- Will your sons or daughters be in college or maintain a full or part-time job?
- Will they pay rent? If so, how much and when? (When becomes important because many late adolescents assume they can always pay Mom and Dad last - if they have any money left over).
- Will there be limits on noise, music, smoking, or alcohol use in the home?
- Will regular chores or work around the house be expected?
- What level of tidiness will be expected in their room and throughout the house?
- Will your sons or daughters have access to the family car? If so, will they pay for their gas and insurance? If not, are they prepared to buy their own car or walk or ride the bus?
- Approximately how long do they think they may want to live at home?
- Do they have a game plan or goal to work toward and motivate them?
- If you are going to continue contributing to your adult hildren financially, how much will that be and until when?
If your children aren't used to taking responsibility, some of these questions may come as quite a shock. Some young adults react to even the suggestion of rules or limits with, "Come on, Mom. Don't treat me like a child."
 It is not infantilizing to agree with a
border that he will not mess up any
of the public rooms of the house.
But it is not "treating someone like a child" to expect an adult to pay rent. It is not "parental" to rent out a room to nonsmokers only. And it is not infantilizing to agree with a guest boarder that they will not mess up any of the public rooms of the house. To put it another way, the guidelines you follow with live-in young adult children are agreements between adults. You can avoid a lot of hassles by telling your children, "We would love to have you live here for a while longer. But since you are a young adult now, we need to discuss how this will work. As an adult, you need your privacy and you have the right to run your own life. But we also have a few needs. We have no desire to treat you like a child, but if we were renting a room out to a stranger, we would have a few guidelines. We aren't talking about rules that parents set for children. We are talking about guidelines for three adults living in the same home."
If your children have trouble understanding this, don't be surprised. They may think being adult means being able to do anything they please. Listen carefully for their feelings and truly do your best to understand. Reassure them of your love and your lack of desire to control them. Then restate your position. You would love to have them live with you but there will have to be a few rules. These are not childish rules to train children. Husbands and wives have rules, roommates have rules, and landlords and tenants have rules. Although you are their parents and probably will have some worries about them, you plan to treat them as adults. You want them to have the freedom to run their own lives, but you want the same privilege. They have the option of living with you under a few conditions or finding a place where they like the arrangements better.
Requiring partial rent or room and board is one good way to help young adults take responsibility. If they claim they can't afford it, you may need to help them take a look at their lifestyle. For example, around us in Southern California , masses of young adults are driving nice cars, wearing designer clothes, spending weekends skiing in the mountains, and telling their parents they can't afford to help with the rent or find their own place! If they are enjoying that kind of lifestyle and cannot afford to pay their own rent, they may need to change their lifestyle! Proverbs says "He who gathers crops in summer is a wise son, but he who sleeps in harvest is a disgraceful son."3 It also says, "Laziness brings on deep sleep and the shiftless man goes hungry."4 Later adolescents clearly need to take a major responsibility for their own financial needs.
In addition to establishing some guidelines, it can be extremely helpful to discuss each other's expectations. Will your adult sons and daughters plan on eating meals with you? Will they want to attend church with you—either regularly or occasionally? And do they plan to attend family gatherings and functions with you?
The Boomerang Child
Late one evening, Sam and Joanna received a tearful phone call from their daughter, Glenna. After four years of marriage, her husband had walked out on her, taken their only car, and headed for another state. Glenna was left with two young children, the younger in diapers, and less than $200 in the bank. She had no job and there was no way she could pay the rent that was coming due in a few days. Sam and Joanna got out of bed and drove over to encourage Glenna. They listened to her painful story. She knew that she and Jim had marriage problems but she never believed he would leave her and the children. What was the matter with him? What had she done wrong? How could she tell little Michael that his daddy had gone? And how could she pay the rent?
Requiring partial rent or room and
board is one good way to help
young adults take responsibility.
After a couple of hours of tearful and supportive listening, Sam and Joanna assured Glenna they would help and suggested she cancel all of her credit cards immediately so Jim couldn't run up any more bills. Then Sam told Glenna, "We would be happy to have you stay with us until you can get back on your feet. We don't have a lot of room but we can get by for awhile."
"Really, Dad?" Glenna replied gratefully. "I don't want to be a burden on you, but I don't know what else to do." "That's what we're here for, Honey," encouraged Joanna. "We can talk about the details tomorrow, but you know we're standing with you."
Over the next several days, Sam and Joanna and Glenna worked out their arrangements. Joanna was happy to baby-sit the children when Glenna found a job. They wouldn't expect her to pay rent, but they would like her to share the food expenses. She could put away everything else she earned toward a car and, hopefully, a down payment on her own place or at least a few months' rent.
 Continued on Page Four
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