A Pre-Marriage Checklist
Page Two
These personality traits show up in nearly everything a person does and thinks, especially after marriage!
When a person tends toward the negative side of several of these personality traits, living together can be like nestling against a porcupine.
Many couples considering engagement see a professional counselor and take personality tests before they make final plans to walk down the aisle to say "I do." Pre-marriage counseling and testing is a wonderful way to take a more objective look at your own and your prospective mate's personality traits. If you aren't able to do that, you may find it helpful to set aside time to discuss the traits and personality styles listed here. Rate yourself and your potential mate in each dimension from one to ten and ask him or her to do the same. Then discuss two or three dimensions at a time over a period of a few weeks. Talk about how your similarities and differences might impact your marriage. This will help you decide whether you should head to the altar, or, on the other hand, to a therapist!
 When a person tends toward the
negative side of several of these
personality traits, living ether can be
like nestling against a porcupine.
When you identify some personality traits that may be problematic, consider several options. You might (1) slow down the relationship, (2) spend lots of time discussing and working through the potential conflict areas, (3) seek professional counseling, or (4) terminate the relationship. But remember this: Marriage won't solve your potential problems and "hoping" won't make them go away. Take a close look before you leap. The Bible says, "The prudent see danger and take refuge but the simple keep going and suffer for it."1
2. Life Goals
One evening when Jason and Alena were dating she looked sweetly at him and asked, "What is your biggest goal in life, Jason?"
To her surprise Jason answered without hesitation, "I want to make a million bucks as fast as I can, then retire and live off the interest."
Alena laughed. "No, seriously, what are your long-term goals?"
Jason wiped the smile from his face and assured her that he had meant what he said. "I want some fun out of life. I don't want to get so involved in making a living that there's no time for pleasure."
For several weeks Alena turned this and several other things Jason told her over in her mind. She really liked him and enjoyed spending time together. But she was concerned about Jason's lack of more meaningful goals and purposes in life. In time, she decided Jason was not the person she wanted for a husband.
Having compatible goals and understanding each other's plans for the future is vital for a happy marriage. Goals affect every area of our lives. They involve having children (yes, no, and how many), our education, where we choose to live, our decision to reach out to help people, our spiritual interests, and a host of other factors. Like two front wheels of a car, the more a couple can have similar goals and head in the same direction, the more likely they are to run a straight course in their marriage.
3. Intellectual and Cultural Interests
Another question to consider before marriage is, "How compatible are we in terms of our intellectual and cultural interests? In the first blush of emotional love some couples give little thought to the importance their broad, long-term interests play in producing a happy marriage.
Marriage won't solve your
potential problems, and 'hoping'
won't make them go away.
When Alan became interested in a possible life-relationship with Donna, one thing he especially enjoyed was her love of the arts, poetry, and literature. He was stimulated by sharing visits to museums, reading great books, attending plays, and reading poetry. Neither Alan nor Donna cared much for sports but they loved the arts.
Heather and John loved sports and all sorts of outdoor activities. After they married they spent countless weekends at football games, car races, hiking, and camping. They would have been bored stiff by visiting museums and reading books.
Both of these couples enriched their marriages through shared recreational interests. This doesn't mean that couples with different interests can't enjoy and enrich each other. They can. But common interests help build togetherness. We need to share in our recreational, vocational, and spiritual lives.
4. Education
Another major consideration is education. One of the fastest ways for a person to change his or her economic status is to obtain a good education. Education is not only a sharpener of our abilities, it is also a key to many doors that otherwise would be closed. Other things being equal, the person with an adequate education is more able to accept responsible positions in the workplace. But the impact of education on marriage goes far beyond jobs and finances. Couples that share a desire to learn and grow can challenge and enrich each other.
This, of course, does not require a college degree. Simply warming a bench in college for four years or longer doesn't make you an open-minded, growing person! In fact, many people with little formal education are extremely wise and growing and knowledgeable. The Apostle Paul, for example, urged older men and women to teach the younger generation how to be self-controlled, and good spouses and parents.2 These things are difficult to learn in college. In many ways, life is the best teacher. Just be sure that both you and your prospective mate are willing to be taught!
Jean was an intelligent, talented, ambitious young woman who fell in love with Greg, a handsome young man she met at church. When Greg dropped out of school to take a job with little or no future, Jean was sure she could "fire" him with the ambition he lacked after they were married. So they tied the knot.
 Continued on Page Three
|
